WORSHIPFUL COMPANY, a story for a time of Covid-19
UNION OF HOUSEBREAKERS OUT OF WORK DURING COVID 19 BECAUSE EVERYONE IS STAYING HOME. ASKS FOR HELP FROM GOVERNMENT!
Julie Tepperman, through Convergence Theatre, created this amazing thing: she organized people to commission artwork from artists, including writers, who lost have lost work due to Covid-19 cancellations. The artists would create work based on prompts that these patrons provided. It's a fantastic initiative. You can read about it here. I was delighted to be commissioned to write a story. The prompt that I received from someone called Peter was basically something like the headline above (he recorded it.) It was a hilarious bit of satire. Below is the story that I created from the prompt. Thanks very much to Julie, and of course, to Peter for commission the story.
Gary Barwin
Jimmy, my neighbour, duckwalks down the front steps with a big flatscreen, puts it on the curb and goes back in. He emerges with a laptop and places it beside the TV, then leaves and returns with a couple of his fancy watches and puts them down, too.
“Morning, Jimmy,” I call across the street.
“Morning.” I get the paper and go back inside.
We’re safe inside a house. It’s where we have our corn flakes, our sandwiches and our yelling matches. Where we dance in the kitchen or smooch on the stairs. Where homework gets done, or scrapbooking. Where we fall asleep on the couch or watch another episode of Star Trek.
It’s where the whole family drama occurs.
But sometimes we go out. To restaurants. To visit our nans, our dads, our children. Sometimes to go on holiday. To the pub. To work.
That’s why we signed the agreement with the Worshipful Company of Home Burglars. We go out, they get to work. They burgle our things. It’s like a tithe. They don’t steal everything, just the appropriate amount.
We return and some of our things are gone. Like my wife.
They have their work, we have ours. Together we keep the economy going.
And then the Plague. I was planning on taking my boys to Nova Scotia this summer, but then everything changed. We’re not allowed to travel. We’re not even allowed to leave our homes. So, there goes that plan.
I’ve been satisfied with the burglars. They’re clean and always leave things as they found them, except of course, for what they’ve removed. They’re efficient. They jimmy the door or cut the screen in the upstairs window neatly, don’t cause unnecessary damage, are in and out in no time. And they don’t do anything strange—like dancing around in my wife’s underwear. When her underwear could be found in my dresser. I’d know if they did. It’s a feeling. Only once did they finish the orange juice, but the guy left a note. It had been unseasonably hot and he’d been working all day. He promised it wouldn’t happen again. It hasn’t.
They could filch the dark, or hope, take a bit from the boys’ future dreams, but they don’t. They leave my musicality and my wit. It’s only the simple things: laptops, jewelry, TVs. Fair enough. People got to eat. And they’re fully insured. They leave what’s essentially us. You can always replace the things. They’re only things.
Time was, you might surprise a burglar going downstairs at night for a glass of milk. Or rather, they’d surprise you. Things didn’t always end well. A knife attack. A bullet hole though your favourite pajamas. Someone cleaved in two by a regimental sword.
But since the agreements, all that’s past. They only work when we’re out. They watch the front door and the back. They check the garage.
It’s win-win. They have daytime shifts. And there are less deaths. Not once have either of my boys woke to a burglar in their bedroom snagging their PlayStation or the collectable coins Grandad gave them.
I’ve considered joining. It’s an honest day’s work. It keeps you active. You can work with friends. And there’s room to advance your skills, even move into management. Jimmy was a member of the Worshipful Company for a while, but that was before he met Carol.
The Plague. It’s been rough. I’ve been lucky and my ma and da are ok, though they’re in isolation out in the country. My ex’s new husband was taken to hospital and had to be put on a machine. They say he’ll live. I’d say good riddance but he’s a good man and treats the boys well.
I keep a list of the things I’ve lost. My wife. My brother to cancer. A whole series of dogs, jobs, friends, months, girlfriends. My buddy Nick in a car accident. Jamie to a gun. And, of course, TVs, silverware, computers, cameras, VCRS, golf clubs. I wonder where they are. The people. But also, the things. Some guy like me out there on the links, a real duffer, using my 5-iron and ending up in a sand trap, maybe Facetiming his boss from a holiday in Cuba with his new girlfriend. That list. It’s my life. What I had. What I lost. Reading it, you could imagine what I still have. What’s still possible for me. At least, I hope so.
Since the Plague, everyone is stuck inside, and the burglars are out of work. They tried to get compensation from the government but they’re proud of their trade. So they struck a deal. Each day a homeowner or resident is to carry a selection of their things to the curb. A team of licensed burglars arrives in an unmarked van and ransacks it. No one gets hurt.
Last week, I left a few old iPhones, a CD player and a computer monitor on the sidewalk. I slipped in a bit of sorrow and some kind of unsettled feeling that I couldn’t identify. I thought it was a good time to get rid of them. I know I shouldn’t have. I got a call. I had to take them back.
Or else.
My boys are coming to visit me this weekend. It’s the only place they’re allowed to go and when they get here, we can’t go anywhere. I’m thinking that we’ll haul the old filing cabinet out back and take turns smashing it with a tire iron. Then maybe we could watch a movie that we’d all like, maybe Star Wars or else Lord of the Rings.
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