Saturday, April 08, 2006

REVISION BEFORE THE NEW AGE


So here's another editing question.


Here's version one of a poem that I had called "Falled" but have since come to my senses.






leaves lose their branches

shuffling through the park


I am in a dark coat and

a huge oak does not crush me


I find myself in a poem where

friends do not die




I like this sudden verging into emotion or heavy sentiment. At least when Ron Padgett (that wonderful poem where he iterates all the variants of which and each, and then clobbers you at the end) or David McFadden. But still, with my poem, I think I might do better with version two, except it might be overdoing it. I do like the double meaning that this version introduces. For both versions, I also wonder about that meta-poetic penultimate line. In version two, I'm thinking about "no one dies" at the end instead of the line I have. I'm tossing and turning nights, knotting sheets around my fist, gnawing at alarm clocks, making balloons out of dogs. I sure hope I resolve this soon. At least sometime before the new age comes.

leaves lose their branches

shuffling through the park


I am in a dark coat and

a huge oak does not crush me


friends do not die

2 comments:

Billy Jones said...

I'd go with the second.

gary barwin said...

thanks for your vote!

I think I agree - except maybe not...

actually I think I might go with


"and friends do not die"