LANGUAGE STRANGLES ME (TWICE!)
here are two versions of this little poem. The only diffe
rence is the last line. Which is better: "beside me" or the more oblique "within me"? I also considered having the third line be "I"ll live longer than you" or even "I live longer than you."
version one:
LANGUAGE STRANGLES ME
I stop breathing
fall to the floor
“language lives longer than you,”
language says
laughing its smug grammar
its pert yet accurate
911 in the sand beside me
version two:
LANGUAGE STRANGLES ME
I stop breathing
fall to the floor
“language lives longer than you,”
language says
laughing its smug grammar
its pert yet accurate
911 in the sand within me
rence is the last line. Which is better: "beside me" or the more oblique "within me"? I also considered having the third line be "I"ll live longer than you" or even "I live longer than you."version one:
LANGUAGE STRANGLES ME
I stop breathing
fall to the floor
“language lives longer than you,”
language says
laughing its smug grammar
its pert yet accurate
911 in the sand beside me
version two:
LANGUAGE STRANGLES ME
I stop breathing
fall to the floor
“language lives longer than you,”
language says
laughing its smug grammar
its pert yet accurate
911 in the sand within me
Comments
I think within me is better. Cool poem!
Sandra A.
I agree. "Within me" is more interesting, and ultimately, leaves the reader with more reverberations to puzzle over, which is where I think one wants the reader to be in a poem like this. I like the notion of having two different versions of things, though. Like different translations of a single source text, each one illuminating or emphasizing a certain aspect of the original, or indeed, creating a slightly different effect. Is there a Platonic ideal of the poem, or just a particular materialist realization, a particular instance of it?